I regret moving to Boulder, Colorado. I thought I'd fit right in, but it was the loneliest two

October 2024 · 5 minute read

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I'm an avid outdoors(wo)man. I love to hike, run, paddleboard, you name it — and I particularly love doing those activities in and around mountains.

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So you'd think a move from Maryland to Boulder, Colorado would've been the perfect match for me. 

It wasn't, and after two years, I turned my car around and returned to Maryland. I don't regret it.

Moving to Boulder wasn't what I expected

I'm one of the many remote workers who took a leap during the pandemic and relocated. I always thought I'd retire in Colorado, but during the pandemic, I decided to move up my timeline and go now. My youngest was on board, so along with our dog, we packed up and headed west.

Yes, Boulder is full of like-minded, outdoorsy people. But try as I might, I was never able to forge a community there on a level I had in the East. Maybe I should chalk it up to that whole "Western individualism" culture — those happy-with-life-as-long-as-they're-near-mountains types; community be damned.  

I tried beer runs, a book club, and a pickleball league. I swam in the local reservoir with a master's swim group, hung out at local coffee shops, and more. 

But none of it led to the community I craved. My neighbors didn't invite me to cookouts, I found no regular running groups that didn't require paying to play, and I didn't fall into fun conversations at the dog park. 

I don't think people in Boulder are unfriendly, just different from what I'm used to in the mid-Atlantic, where I've lived my entire adult life. Here, we seem to be very community-minded, and I have several groups of friends that revolve around a variety of shared interests. Even when we're not participating in those interests, we still get together to socialize.

Out there, I think many people are pretty content on their own. If they're having a bad day, they go for a hike in the mountains. I can certainly appreciate that, but my choice would be a hike with a friend.

I never found my foothold in Boulder and returning to Maryland has felt like slipping on an old favorite hoodie: warm, secure, and familiar. Here are some lessons learned from my two-year move across the country. 

1. If you can, spend some real time on the ground in a new location before committing

Through work, I'd been to Boulder numerous times over the years leading up to my move and even spent a full month there before packing the moving van six months later.

In hindsight, however, I think the move was impulsive and that I didn't test the waters for long enough. Even though I remote-worked there for that trial month, Boulder was still so sparkly and new to me that the time felt like a vacation. More time for real-life experience — efforts to find peers and friends, running partners, and the like — could have helped me learn it wasn't right for me. 

2. Don't move without a natural in-road

I wonder if things would have been different if I'd had younger children or a job in an office. At the time of my move, my oldest was in college, and my youngest was a junior in high school — well beyond those years where you're interacting with other parents on a regular basis. (My kids were both fine with the relocation and did swimmingly well, though.) 

3. Don't sell your house until you really know you're staying in your new location

I spent 20 years in my home in Maryland, and I loved it. I also loved my neighbors, many of whom are still among my best friends. I wish I had rented my home until I was sure I wasn't going to be returning to Maryland. I miss that house and neighborhood every single day, and renting it out would have given me the chance to reunite with it.

4. Don't assume people will remember you're new in town and include you in things

I already knew a few people in Boulder before I moved there. I'd assumed there would be more invites and reachouts, but people are busy and have their own lives. While I made a good effort at trying to connect with these folks, most didn't reciprocate very often. 

5. Don't assume that one commonality can make a place home

Because my time spent recreating outdoors is such a central part of my life, I assumed living near like-minded people was enough to make the move right. Life isn't one-dimensional, and in Maryland, I have friends from all facets of my life.

I recognize now that matters, at least to me. 

6. Stay in close contact with your people back home

The two years I spent in Boulder were the loneliest I've ever experienced, and I hope to never go through that again. What kept me afloat were my friends back home in Maryland. Through visits, phone calls, and texts, they became a lifeline for me. It's so nice to be able to once again see them regularly. 

I don't want to paint a picture that I was miserable every moment of my time in Boulder. I did make a few friends through my writing contacts. Without intending to, I also met Mr. Right. 

We're now navigating two states and figuring out a path forward. But I can look back and recognize that here are things I definitely should and could have done differently. 

Boulder, it's not you, it's me.

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