Our sex life has waned since having a child, but now when my wife initiates intercourse it is always after alcohol. Should I give up trying?

My wife and I are in our 40s and have a teenage son. Before we had our son we had a very active sex life and each of us would initiate almost daily: we would share fantasies all the time. After childbirth it waned, understandably, but in recent years it has dwindled to almost nothing. We both work from home and she often asks me to massage her body at night, but this virtually never leads to sex. I find it hard to initiate now, as when I do she rejects me. She has initiated a few times in the last six months, always after alcohol. When we have sex it is still good, but it feels as if she only wants it after drinking. When I have raised this she has been defensive and suggested we have a normal sex life for our age. Should I give up on the idea of regular sex and accept that satisfying myself in the bathroom is now the norm?

Paradoxically, being very close to someone can lower the erotic charge. Many couples who spend all day and all night together experience lowered sexual interest. Find ways to spend time apart, perhaps pursuing separate interests such as a class or sport or hobby. Enjoying solo time with friends can also help. Experiencing oneself as an extension of another person can feel safe and cosy, but it is unlikely to inspire passion in either of you. It is only when each partner can view the other as a separate entity – as things were at the beginning of the relationship – that attraction and libido can be revived. And don’t worry about the alcohol use – unless it’s excessive. There’s no need to take it personally – your wife is just trying to relax and get herself “in the mood”.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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